Risk-Taking for the Safely Insecure

August 8, 2015

I have a rather long list of insecurities that get an awful lot more attention than they should. It all began in middle school when I suppose my hormones 'sploded because stretch marks started appearing all around my thighs like nature caught me sleeping and Sharpied them with tribal tattoos. My hair adopted an entirely new level of defiance, eloped with a pack of wolves, and obtained emancipation so I knew I never had control. My feet have been compared to those one might consider part of an authentic experience in The Shire and my forehead brightly displays a 'stork-bite' beacon that seems to serve as a shining homage to my home planet of Kronos. My short torso and athletic shoulders are, together, a perfect allusion to my middle school mascot, the bulldog, and I am a nervous giggler, forever a confusion to myself and all those around me.

The reaction to these statements is always a slap across the face to snap out of it, but does this sound familiar? No one thinks they are perfect. I can also say that quite often I find myself feeling pretty, until I spot a picture and realize I should be getting back to my bridge where I will prevent that impudent, lying photo from crossing and eat it instead. A waste of energy. While of course true character must come from within, I am sure there are others like me whose full self has been obscured by physical discomfort in their own skin. I used to sit and squirm in my skin. I am now, however, quite a bit better because, much like using alcohol as a social lubricant, I have found success in small experimentations in turning myself into an actual sparkle on the outside to further revelations of a deeply concealed inner sparkle. When I'm not preoccupied with how dumb my hair is for drying like a big, blonde, mossy ocean, I am free to fully participate in the good times.

Yes! But also, maybe Marilyn was too pretty to be a great example here.

So, no level of conditioner or vitamins will change this hair. Some of my loss of faith in truly effective products can actually be attributed to the empty promises of shampoo commercials showing those little balls of strength that are supposedly infused into each strand to make it smoother than jazz. I will just say that I have never felt the sweet serenade of improvised silkiness working its way through these foxylocks after applying Kerastase. So anyway, I have dealt through experience. I suppose these cares of mine will be unimportant in time, but if it matters to me now, who am I kidding? It will probably still matter to me in the future because I am not Ghandi.

"Shopping stinks" - Ghandi, I'm sure.

My point here is this: I would, for example, theoretically support polyamorous relationships, because humans are complicated, physical beings. Realistically though, I have been trained through a lifetime of societal examples to feel wronged by any lack of exclusivity. It just is what it is. The same goes for my appearance - I would like to live the life of a facial nudist, LET my hair go all Nell on me, and wear something simple, like long johns or nothing at all, but really I love playing with clothes, I want to feel beautiful, and I just can't help it.

So, if you identify with this, great. If not, great! Either way, it just is. We are animals and it is fun to feel and look good. Now this is going to sound vain and probably could get some hate if anyone ever read it for advocating not accepting oneself. On a related note, I think getting hate can be a sign of success.

Notice how girls with great hair styles, colors, bold style, and whatever else appear to carry more confidence? Well that is not necessarily the case, BUT they have taken a step in exploring what they were born with and it has probably done them some good. They have gotten past the thought that someone will think they look silly or too done up and just did whatever they wanted. You can do this too! So what, do you not wear hats because they slap a big douche sticker across your face? Put mega-fox Dita von Teese in plain clothes and no makeup and she is not unlike you. Cat eyes and funky hair are not just for the cliched. Makeup does not make you less intelligent. Don't feel silly putting on red lipstick if you like it. Heels may make you walk like the Grinch...

...but maybe they make you feel like your legs could give Tina Turner a run for her money. Take "risks" and feel the power of going that extra mile because those that would talk about you are going to do that anyway. Do something funky just to realize that it only matters to you.

I'm not writing this to say acceptance is unimportant. I just lack the diligence of repeating affirmations that lead to it. Though I wish it wasn't, it's often more complicated than that. So, I like that I can make reversible changes and HERE IS THE DEAL: I have found that the more I play around, the better I feel about myself au natural. It's like deciding not to accept my looks has led to a growing acceptance. I think routing any judgement regarding my looks into my own control has given me practice at not caring that my naked face might not be everyone's cup of tea. I can care less and focus on better thoughts; smiling without covering my mouth and feeling at ease in the moment; free and confident. It is an ongoing struggle, but maybe the inevitable but long road of accepting insecurities can be shortened with a little bridge work.

What is there to lose? Throw out compliments like confetti because you know it makes someone's day. Strive for your best, whatever it may be. Go grand and let loose.

As a fitting supplement, here is a really pleasant article on staying 'young and hot' forever. May we all have this much fun in life and live 96 years as fully as this priestess of class.

On an unrelated note, I just realized how much I have steered away from using contractions as a result of having to escape all apostrophes in HTML. However, they are completely essential for any sense of colloquialism. Without them, we would all sound like robots. "I do not know." "I cannot tell." "He could not see." If you speak to me with no contractions, I will be immediately very wary of your true origins and what you might possibly have done with my friends and family when you replaced them.

To close: dear Peanut, rocking that award-winning confidence


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