Oh, Alice

March 7, 2015

Side Note on Coding: I would like to mention that buying domains and learning how to upload content into them through a web host and FTP server is a struggle in and of itself. Then again, who cares?! If you're reading this, I'm shocked. Also, I won at bowling last night.

I work at a charter school and charter schools, infamous for burning out their teachers, love to schedule Saturday schools. By the time I arrived, the way I feel about working on the weekends after 50 hour weeks had fully bled all over my thoughts and behavior.

Much of the trouble with this school stems largely from things like how one of the supervisors is frequently chit-chatting about how everyone better hope they have a job next year. It awakens a sort of Fox News level of fear tactics resistance in me that exists somewhere between disgust and amusement. Ironically, however, the main idea of the passage I ended up reading with my students was the power of positive thinking. Huh! Plus, those lil' dewdrops are just too adorable to not enjoy. And it was time to go home before I knew it.

I am an independent person, but I have a fear of going through life alone. I traveled abroad myself some a couple of years ago and it was great. Of course it was great. But it is undeniably more interesting to share experiences. It's a thought that sometimes disturbs me no matter the state of my affairs. For some reason, lately it's scared me that I will be facing a huge decision - KIDS - in the next decade or so. If I had kids, I fear losing my sense of self and ending up an exhausted divorcee in 10 years time with less time, money, or energy to pick myself up. It doesn't help that men seem to get better with age and DON'T have to ravage their bodies to produce a little person to forever keep them company.

HOW NICE FOR THEM! Anyway, this tabloid dystopian and nightmarish falsehood I've absorbed into my subconscious has got to be handled here. Rather than continue to let this monopolize my ideas of the future, I must push as many of those thoughts aside in favor of empowerment, spending more time working on myself! Me! Hence...

I don't have to settle with some idea that I will inevitably be miserable and terrorized under a school administration run like an abusive retirement home for ambition. I can impact this all. I will hope for the best, but whatever happens, I will love every minute I spend on this planet and I will have a positive impact. It seems collective wisdom has overwhelmingly decreed nothing else matters more in the end. Be fabulous and manage your own needs - the rest will follow.

Words more effective than meditation.

After work today, I went for a run around Lady Bird Lake and then laid down in Zilker. I put on a guided meditation and laid there for half an hour, listening to waves, until my eyelids became a kaleidoscope of purples and hillsides and my body felt like it was floating. Later, while reading, I looked up directly into the eyes of a springer spaniel, Alice, who had just caught her ball and was barreling at top speed in my direction. I couldn't believe it, but she didn't stop. After about the third time, I decided to go ahead and pack up, but I think we could all stand to be a little more like dogs: recklessly energetic, forgiving, and everyone's friend. That seems like a pretty solid way to be.


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