I Wonder Woman

February 1, 2016

Get myyyy punny title? There's no comma after 'I'. GET IT? Ehh, so in a follow-up to my last post and as a result of watching Sex and the City 2 in a hail mary effort of deliberate girlyness to tame the whiskers that were surely going to pop out my chin at any moment, I felt inspired to write about women who do it all. I get home with time to run, walk my dog, eat, have a glass of wine, and pass out. I realize, though, that life will only have more in store for me if I continue to seek it. Lord save the ones who have regular working hours AND children. I don't know how they make time to even pick up groceries or walk the dog (literally, figuratively, it's all part of the mystery) but I do know one thing - I need to man up before ever considering a life like that.

So, maybe a good place to start is considering this - What are some tips from those who do it all?? How do you do it all yourself??? Let's ask my friends, the celebrities:

Well, for me, one thing's certain - I am not a consistent person - you will not encounter the same demeanor each time you see me. I will neither talk your ear off nor bore you to death in a dependable manner. And so I'm totally baffled at how any mother does it - has children and does not have mornings where she just locks herself in her car like Yolanda Saldivar because today is NOT the day to have robbed the world of Selena. No day ever was, Yolanda. Ugh.

Some days, you can glance at me funny and my whole internal dialogue shit-spirals into a catastrophic account of how doomed man is to fester in his self-manifested torment. Most days, even if I wake up feeling that way, I can reign it in. Still, there are and will continue to be those days when I just don't. I guess I'm not flailing through my 20s with Ghandi-level zen after all, but I totally believe it'll happen for me if I just read enough books about it.... .. . .


If don't get better at this, I'm just never having kids. Because then, the stress of having created angry people would pretty much guarantee that I wouldn't mature into peacefulness even in the empty-nester years either, but a monumental state of full-body hypertension not yet discovered or diagnosed. Angry, angrier, dead. Maybe I'm being silly. But I never would be again! And that is what matters.

This is all fine, anyway, because I want to travel to a whole lot of places that I am currently unable to afford all by me onesie, let alone with little people tagging along. My stress threshold drops by at least 50% if my dog has another ear infection. I am not ready to give up my freedom.

I currently feel like I'm on a good track to being pretty settled into who I am and I suppose that's a good starting point then. Maybe I will never want to give that much of myself and that is also ok. In the meantime, I can work on the little things that make me me and stop doing the things that might damage a fragile little psyche (my own or a little one''s) - things like "HOLY FUCKING SHIT, HAVE I BEEN EATING WAFFLE PLATTERS IN MY SLEEP? BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I FEEL," and "Oh, I'm so cute for thinking I'm cool enough to do that."


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