Danger Toast

April 10, 2015

I'm up early for day 2 in a row! It's practically a streak. This morning, since I won't use my toaster lately for fear of spiders I've seen lurking around it, I've realized 2 things:
1. Spiders aren't all that bad. They just like making surprises. And possibly toast.
2. The toaster must go. It's attracting spiders with delicious toast.

But why should I fear them when they're not trying to paralyze and eat me alive? They're really just setting out their little webs in hopes of catching a morsel of blackberry jam on rye. Have I just been misunderstanding spiders all this time?

Let's ask science:


Nope nope NOPE!
If spiders were people, they'd all be Jeffrey Dahmers. And I am right to fear them.

I have many irrational fears. For one, I generally have a hard time speaking up, especially at work. It's a mix of wanting to be liked, not wanting to be called out for other things as some sort of retaliation and a tendency to focus on the fact that I don't think I'll be there long having to deal with it anyway. Really, we all know where fear of speaking up gets us because we've all seen Office Space and know who Milton is. Milton is unlikely to be a popular name for a very long time. American pop culture's Eeyore for adults. I don't want to be Milton.

A particularly goofy fear of mine was doing anything different with my hair. I didn't color it, didn't cut bangs, did't cut it at all. Then, one very "I've had it!" kind of day, I decided looks were futile regardless of what I did and got a box color. Absolutely nothing happened. The color barely even changed. I have to get to that breaking point where I just don't give a damn about consequences and it usually pans out. It's as though risk-taking decision-making were there to calm me in my most disturbingly apathetic, eat-the-whole-thing moments. Now I need to take those risks when it DOES matter to me. Because it doesn't actually matter at all! Probably. Maybe.

I can't think of more for the moment. Mostly I started writing in the dark of this morning about the spiders and now I'm scrounging up thoughts to cover up just how preoccupied I've been with my spider toast. Danger toast. So anyway. Fears! They're what's for breakfast.


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